fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
