I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
