theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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