Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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