ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
