i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
