He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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