Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
