i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
