Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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