p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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