I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
