I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
