one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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