Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
