3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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