3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
