Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
