Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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