I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
