I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
