I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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