i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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