"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
