theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
