I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
