ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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