We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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