the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
