morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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