....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
