Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
