1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
