Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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