Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
