I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
