I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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