just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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