Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
