Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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