so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
