i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
