i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
