Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
