do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
