I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
