he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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