i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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