I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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