Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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