yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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