btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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